I went to a party tonight…
I find it virtually impossible to get drunk no matter how much i drink/ mix this is a problem because then i end up caring about what happens. I get tipsy have a great time but come down of the high very quickly and because I have allowed myself to feel happy it makes everything come crashing into my consciousness. I want to rip my brain out and trade it. I want to do stupid things that would make people upset should they find out. I want to tell people everything. But I can’t because as soon as vulnerability rears its head the walls of solitude come crashing down around my mind and body until I can drag it back down to the darkest cells of my mind in the hopes it will not show its face again. A true contradiction of what I wish I could do. I wish I could let myself not be the ‘strong’ one for once, to break down in someones arms and not care if anyone saw to be cared for instead of caring for and being ALWAYS FINE. It was a good night though.
