March 14, 2013
“If you’ve got the poison, I’ve got the remedy”
Shit shit shit shit shit fuck shit fuck shitty fuck fuck shit.
Pretty sure I’m a horrible person.
I could tell people about the thoughts and memories that grace me with their presence and do their best to shatter my walls most moments of most days. But that is the thing, I have those walls for a reason and letting people through them only makes holes for the thoughts to make bigger. So I could tell people about these thoughts and maybe eventually they would cease their attack, but I don’t know how far away eventually is and I’m not sure that I could hold them of for long enough to find out if I did.
I want to tell her everything, to let her see the darkest corners of my messed up mind, the ones that even I am scared of, to let her help me. She knows I am not ok, she knows when I lie and say I am to stop people from worrying. She doesn’t push me but she makes it known that she is there waiting. She knows me so well and yet doesn’t know me at all. I want to tell her everything so why am I so stubborn and scared. Why do I need control so much.